Why Do We Have to Have All These Friends? (A Rant)


        One of my favorite movies ever, It’s A Wonderful Life, has a line by George Bailey that’s just a classic, especially with my parents. Frustrated by the events of his fateful day, George says to his wife, “Why’d we have to have all these kids?” I am the oldest of four children, and so it’s safe to say my parents knew exactly how he felt at that moment. Sometimes you just get fed up.
            I’m fed up about a different topic, so my rant is titled a little differently. Why’d we have to have all these friends? By this I mean, why, after a person is married, do they still feel the need to have so many friends of the opposite sex?
            I feel a collective gasp coming on. But come on: I’m a marriage counselor. Give me a chance to make my case. My case is that there is no reason for a married person (or even a seriously committed person) to have a real friendship with someone of the opposite sex that doesn’t include their partner.
            I know, you’re offended. You have a friend of the opposite sex that is so wonderful and you think I’m completely narrow-minded to say maybe you shouldn’t be friends with them anymore. I had friends of the opposite sex too. When I was single. It was great then. I also think friends of the opposite sex can work if they are not attracted to people of your gender. But outside of that, I don’t see why it’s necessary or helpful.
            A friend is someone who is there for you when things are not great for you. When things are not great for you, though, you need to be talking to your spouse. If you’re not talking to your spouse, it’s because they’re unavailable, or because they can’t give you the feedback you need. Sometimes the latter doesn’t mean anything negative. My girlfriends or my family members can give me feedback that is different from what my husband gives me, and that’s often helpful. But I have to ask myself what’s missing in my relationship if I start seeking a non-related male’s support and advice outside of my husband’s.
            Why would you need to do that? Because this is not meant to be a rhetorical question, I will answer it for you. In my experience, most of the time people wish to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, it is because they want to leave that door open. Sometimes, yes, it is out of ignorance of the potential consequences. But you can no longer claim that, after reading this article. More often, it’s about the attraction of that different connection.
            It’s tempting! A spouse of a few years often forgets to compliment another person’s appearance, to pay attention to the little details, to laugh with them on a regular basis. So what’s the harm in having fun? It’s not like you’re cheating or anything.
            No, a friend of the opposite sex is not cheating. Yet. But isn’t it true that each and every affair begins with a “friend”? A guy thinks, no harm in just friending my college girlfriend on Facebook. I can’t not reply to her message..that would be rude. She understands if I complain a little bit about my wife from time to time. I have to vent, after all. I remember how much easier things were when she was my girlfriend, and now I’m married. I can just create a different email account. Oh, she’s coming in town next week…
            You might be thinking that I just underestimate your willpower. Even if I have those feelings, you might say, I don’t have to act on them! No, and you don’t have to eat an entire bag of mini Butterfingers in one sitting, but if they’re in the kitchen cabinet, I’m eating them!
            My husband and I don’t hang out with members of the opposite sex alone. This is not something either of us made the other person do, it’s something we both agreed was a priority. In fact, closely following my engagement, the girlfriend of mine who introduced us told me how much she liked how he had changed after we started dating. Before, she was friends with both of us separately. But after he started dating me, he pulled back. Stopped calling her, or texting her on a regular basis. She said, “I liked that. I felt like he was sending a message that he just wanted to be with you.”
Now, we regularly have double dates with her and her boyfriend. She and my husband talk about science-related stuff while her boyfriend and I might chat about their dog, but we’re all together. Our friendship is plural.
            That’s really all I’m standing for here; to not allow anyone, or anything, to get in between you and your spouse. Have friends…but have friends of the opposite sex together. The world is not too kind to couples. It’s up to you to build a fortress around it, together. Your marriage is too precious to risk.

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