Don't Be Cruel

It has come to my attention recently that the cruelest thing one person can do to another in a fight isn’t harsh words, and in some cases isn’t even angry blows. The cruelest thing is nothing.

I have a client that was blacklisted at work for a customer complaint, without sufficient reason, as she had a reasonable defense for her actions and was willing to admit and make amends for her (small) mistakes. But she wasn’t allowed to talk to the customer, which might have ended this whole thing rather quickly. And she wasn’t allowed to finish out the day after she had been told of the issue, several weeks after it had occurred. She was intimidated to the point she felt attacked, and went home. And then never given a chance to state her case. She had decades of experience in her field, and taught and mentored others. But she was written off and thrown away. She came to see me, four months after the incident, still wrestling with humiliation, low self-esteem, fear of losing her license to work, and a negative attitude towards people around her. Now she saw others with suspicion, because she had been turned on by someone she expected to treat her with a level of respect. And it struck me that she would not have needed my help if those at her place of business had simply sat down with her and tried to work through the problem together.

Denying someone the chance to work through an accusation is a cruel thing because it denies someone closure to the issue. It remains open in the person’s mind, for them to turn over, gnaw at, and worry about endlessly. It makes them doubt themselves, and question their past. Was I wrong? Am I crazy to think this way? They ask this question of countless others, who may grow tired of the incessant repetition. But the person can’t help it. Denied an answer from the person or group they need answers from, they are driven to find it another way, to try to make some sense so they can finally put this mess behind them.

It’s a cowardly power play on the part of the person who refuses to engage, because if a person makes a fuss over someone’s actions and slams the door on a reply, they get to look like the injured party and tell their side of the story without balance. They don’t have to admit fault. But in what fight is one party ever completely without fault?

I had this done to me more than once. I had nightmares about the incident for months afterwards. As a therapist, I couldn’t believe I couldn’t get over this. I believe in the power of the mind to sort through problems. Why couldn’t I put this behind me as a lost cause?

The only thing that eventually cured my nightmares was realizing that no matter what, I did not want to go back to a relationship that was going to operate that way. Even if I got a chance to resolve the issue, I didn’t want to put myself in a situation to be hurt again. That, and only that, allowed me to let it go.

So think about this the next time you are involved in an argument. To cut a person off is one of the most cruel things you can do to another person. I hope this isn’t anyone’s goal. If you’re a victim of this circumstance, think about this: do you really want to resolve something with a person who could be so cruel? 

What People Need to Hear

        “You’re not crazy.” “You make sense.” “What you’re feeling has a reason.” People look at me in amazement when I say things like this to them in my counseling office. My only conclusion can be that it isn’t something they hear very often. I can understand that, too. Before my counseling training, there were a lot of things done by people in my life that I thought were crazy too. But what I learned in counseling is that there’s always a reason for behaviors. People don’t just do things randomly. (See earlier article: Dysfunction = Function Trying to Happen).

            Now that I know this, I think it’s important to validate it. Yes, of course you’re depressed. Your spouse just died. (What? I have a right to my feelings?) I can understand you’re stressed by the demands of your full-ride college scholarship. You don’t want to let anyone down. (I’m allowed to be stressed even if something good happened?) I know some people are starving and you’re not, but it’s okay that you are not happy about losing your job, either. (I can feel pain even if I have it better than somebody else?)

            At some point people do have work through their feelings and move forward with doing something about it. But that CANNOT happen if they aren’t allowed to feel them first. I’ve never, ever seen that happen. When people strangle feelings, they just show up later, when a person thinks they’re over it and those around them are even less interested in hearing about the things they haven’t gotten over.

            You can do something about this. The next time someone around you seems to be acting nuts, think about what’s driving it. Ask them about their feelings, and then understand them. Even if you disagree with a person’s actions (and believe me, I’ve been there), you can ALWAYS understand their feelings. We all have feelings. A person’s anger/fear/sadness/loneliness may be for another reason, but you and I have also felt anger/fear/sadness/loneliness too.

            Put this in your vocabulary.

            “I see what you mean.”

            “I get that.”

           

            “That makes sense.”

            “I understand.”

            Don’t rely on my word for it. Try it out, and see what a difference it makes. When you have, come back and comment here. I’d love to hear from you.

            ‘Til Next Session,

            Stephanie Ann Adams

Using Pop Culture To Connect With Others

        Four kids, two boys and two girls, all aged 7-8, circled my office floor. Two of them had already gotten in a fight over today’s activity, which was using a puppet to tell another puppet about a time their feelings were hurt. “The other day when Arlene pushed me in line…” began one, a moment ago. Arlene, who is sitting next to him, begins to pout. “No, no.” I interject. “We’re not using this time to tell on other people.” Manny, the first kid who started the story, gets frustrated, but moves forward. “Wait a minute,” I have to step in again. “We’re talking about feelings getting hurt today. Remember, feelings are happy, sad, angry….Your story about falling off your bike is a really interesting story, but it’s not really about feelings, is it?”

            I was not getting through to them. And they were starting to revolt.

            Talking to kids is really difficult. Talking to a group of kids is even more so. But the one thing I’ve found that really gets through to kids, something I’ve found to be relevant since my days as a nanny, is knowing what their pop culture is. VeggieTales? Seen ‘em all. Hannah Montana? She has the best of both worlds. Even though they liked the puppets, my kids were losing interest. They’d drifted to a more important discussion than feelings: the movie How To Train Your Dragon.

            How To Train Your Dragon, if you haven’t seen it, is kind of an awesome movie. And thank goodness my husband and I, although childless, watched it just a few weeks ago. Based on the recommendation of my husband’s three-year-old second cousin, we were pretty sure it was a good bet. So we Netflixed it. And now I had something to talk about.

            “Hey guys, do you remember what it was like for Hiccup on How To Train Your Dragon?” Three of the four pairs of eyes trained on me. (You can’t win them all.) I was speaking their language.

            “Remember how everyone in his village fought dragons, and he was the only one who couldn’t do it? And everybody else laughed at him?”

            They agreed, with re-enactments of key scenes of rejection at the beginning of the movie.

            “I bet that really hurt his feelings, huh?”

            There wasn’t an a-ha moment, per say. But they were engaged, and something was happening. It might have been just a minute, but they got it.

            If you’ve shared an experience with someone, you are now identifiable. You are safer, more known. You have a common history, no matter how small. You are a person that gets something that they get. It brings you forward a dozen steps in the process of connection with another person. And once you get there, you’re able to do something about it. Talk to your teenage son. Intervene in a crisis situation.

            So whether you’re a counselor trying to reach a client, or at a party and looking for a way to make a friend, think about throwing this kind of thing out there, and seeing what happened. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

            'Til Next Session.
            Stephanie Ann Adams

The Natural Anti-Anxiety Remedies

I am a therapist, but I also have stress. When I get anxious, I find that something constructive is the best thing to do to deal with it. This works for two reasons 1) It's really hard to obsess over the thing you're worried about when you're concentrating on a task that requires a certain focus. 2) At the end of the project, you are left with a product for your labor. Essentially, something good came out of your stress and anxiety. I've looked at a lot of theories, and personally have found nothing more satisfying than robbing anxiety of power by turning the bad thing into a good thing. Here's some ideas to get you started.

• Paint
• Knit a hat
• Crochet a scarf
• Do a puzzle
• Color in coloring books
• Walk around the block
• Home improvement projects
• Wash the car
• Put together a model car
• Clean out a closet
• Scrapbook
• Make a collage
• Teach the dog a new trick
• Play a board game
• Write a letter to a friend
• Redecorate a room
• Cook from a recipe you've never tried
• Call a relative
• Write a letter to the editor
• Go to a museum
• Window-shop

'Til Next Session,

Stephanie Ann Adams

Dysfunction = Function Trying to Happen

            Our brains are not stupid. They just appear to be sometimes. I try to tell this to every person who comes into my office dealing with dysfunction in their lives. Many times, people end up feeling ashamed, or foolish for the things they do. But while these things are not usually the best way to handle a problem, they are not without purpose. There is a beautiful, implanted logic in the part of us dedicated to self-preservation that always comes into play, even when the reasoning is really roundabout.

            Let me give you an example: A woman is living with her husband of one year. (I feel like they need names, so let’s call them Steve and Mindy.) Before they were married, they dated for three years. Steve has never cheated on her and they are thinking about having kids next year. The husband gets a promotion at his job, which requires more travel. Instead of being home most nights, he will be gone two weekends of the month. His wife is excited for his promotion, and although she will miss him, is secretly looking forward to doing pedicures and staying up late watching Grey’s Anatomy reruns while he's gone.

She kisses him goodbye on the day of his first business trip. Her day progresses fairly normally. But, about an hour after she comes home from work, when her husband usually joins her in eating take-out, she starts feeling an odd clutching in her chest. Her heart starts racing. She gets dizzy, and has to sit down on the ground. Suddenly she can’t breathe. Mindy extricates her cell phone from her purse pocket and dials her neighbor, who helps her to the hospital. She gets there and they diagnose her with a panic attack. She’s stunned. She never has had a mental problem in her life. Surely that can’t be what it is?

            She feels silly but tells her husband about the episode on the phone that night. He expresses concern, but accepts her reassurance that it was just a weird one-night thing. Unfortunately, it happens again, the next night he leaves. It gets worse until she starts having them in the middle of the day as well as at night. Even when he’s at home, she starts feeling shaky if he’s not in the room with her at all times. What’s going on?

            The mistake that often gets made here is that this – a panic attack, a sudden burst of anger, a convenient memory loss -  is a random occurrence. A firing of neurons that went haywire. But things happen, with rare exception, for a reason. In a situation like this, you need to look for the logic in the dysfunction.

            For Mindy, the trigger is clearly first activated when Steve’s job requires him to go out of town overnight. What might that link into in Mindy’s mind? The history that we’re missing (and Mindy would probably be reluctant to tell us) is that Mindy was abandoned at three by her mother, who was so coked out of her mind she didn’t know she had left her young daughter behind. She was alone in a squalid hotel room until a maid came in sixteen hours later. She was returned to her grandparents’ custody and raised in a  loving and secure environment from then on. Mindy never saw her mom again. She hardly thinks about the abandonment on regular basis and would consider her life to be fairly normal, boring even.  

            But this piece of history tells us the logic. Mindy had internalized early on that people we love can leave us and never come back. Though now the situation was different, she had never loved anyone as much as she loved Steve, and they were planning a future together. When Steve left and wasn’t home when he was supposed to be, her mind went, “Mindy, pay attention. We’re in trouble again. He’s abandoned us, like your mom. Something bad is happening! Do something, Mindy!”

            See? It’s not a random occurrence. Deep down, the dysfunction (aka the panic attacks) has the purpose of trying to draw her attention to a problem.

            Our brain doesn’t like it when we don’t deal with things. Beyond an immediate block to protect ourselves from trauma, it doesn’t cooperate well with buried issues. This issue was so buried Mindy didn’t even know it was one. But the evidence was in her reaction to Steve’s absences.

            All the painful, irritating, and problematic reactions we have are trying to tell us something. Sometimes it can be trying to point to an organic cause, such as chemical imbalance in depression, but oftentimes it’s just saying that “you need to deal with this already.” It’s trying to help.

            So when you get stuck with a dysfunction, look for the logic. The point of origin it leads back to will tell you what the real problem is, and help you meet that need in a healthy way, instead of a dysfunctional one. 

How to Find a Therapist

  Since I can't be available to everyone for individual sessions  :-)  I thought I'd jot down a few pointers for those who are looking to find a therapist of their own. It's a very personal and often difficult decision. I can't help you decide who to see, but I can give you a framework to decide for yourself.

  I would recommend starting with what you would like to change about yourself or your situation. Do you need relationship counseling? Therapy for anxiety or depression? Counseling for your child or teenager? Therapists often specialize in specific fields, so you should choose one with knowledge or experience in your area.  Here are a few ways to locate a therapist with your preferred area of expertise:


  Using Google or another search engine, combine search terms like “therapist” and “counseling” with your particular need and zip code. (Example: Counselor OCD 76103). 


  Psychologytoday.com has an excellent database for finding therapists in your region with information on all their areas of expertise. (I know this because I'm listed there!) The site also provides information on what the costs might be, and whether or not they will take your insurance.  My favorite part, though, is that Psychologytoday.com also allows each therapist to write a personal statement that can help you understand his or her philosophy of care.


  A third option that is still good, if old-fashioned, is the phone book. You can find several listings in your area under “Counseling Services.” The phone book will have less up-front information, but you have the benefit of talking to a real person on the phone when you call, which allows you to ask more specific questions.


  The second step is to check the qualifications of the therapist that interests you. Each state has slightly different rules about how its counselors are certified, but each should have a way to verify those licensed to practice.  Look up “[your state] counselor license” in a search engine and you should find a link that will take you to the state board of counselor examiners, which lists each counselor by name and license number. Another thing you are likely to see while you’re researching potential therapists are various letters after their names.  These letters represent their particular license type or degree. Here’s a sample:


Psy.D. – Doctor of Psychology, a relatively new doctorate tailored more specifically for people who want to provide counseling services.
M.D. – Psychiatrist, the only type of mental health professional allowed to prescribe medication. Generally psychiatrists will be more focused on pharmacological therapy (drugs) than talk therapy, although there are rare exceptions.
LPC – Licensed Professional Counselor. This license is earned after a master’s degree in psychology or a related field. There are other similar names for this, like LMHC (Licensed Mental Health Counselor) and LPCC (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor).
LPC-Intern – Licensed Professional Counselor Intern. This person has completed at least a master’s degree and passed the licensing exam for their state. They must complete a certain number of hours counseling while supervised by a licensed counselor before they are granted a license. They generally cost less than LPCs who already have their license.
LADC – Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor. Substance addiction differs from typical problems in therapy, and this additional training is important if that is your area of need.
LMFT – Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Regular LPCs and LPC-Interns also see couples and families, but this person has additional training in this area.         

              

          There are so many more types of licensure available than could be represented here, so if you find something you don't understand, please don't feel uncomfortable in looking it up. It's important that you know!


         The next step in finding the right therapist actually occurs during the first visit to the office of the therapist you’ve chosen. Here’s what is normal to expect in the paperwork or initial session:

        Questions about your background, including past trauma.
        Current medications.
        Establishing a fee.
        Who you would like your emergency contact person to be.

·      
         The paperwork should also cover your right to confidentiality and exceptions to those rules. Unless you are underage, your sessions are completely confidential. The only exceptions to this rule are generally if a therapist discovers abuse of an elder, child or disabled person, if you are suicidal, or if a judge waives confidentiality and orders disclosure. Should there be any other exemptions from confidentiality, ask for the rationale behind them. You should make sure you’re comfortable with the reason before you see this counselor.


         The last step deals with the first time you meet with a counselor. Be sure to pay close attention to your initial reaction to that person.

·           Do they make you feel safe? Are they comfortable with your questions? 

·           When they talk to you, do you feel like it’s a conversation of equals, or are you being “talked down” to? 

·           Does their style of counseling suit you as a person?'

            

         If you get to the point of meeting with a counselor, or even after you've seen them for a session or two, but still don't feel comfortable, start the process over with someone else. In the end, you came for help.  You deserve to get the most effective help possible. It's okay, we can handle the rejection. 

 If you liked what you saw, or have any questions, please let me know! You can subscribe or comment below.

'Til Next Session

       Stephanie Ann Adams

Undefined: not precisely limited, determined, or distinguished

I'm teaching myself blogging - meaning there are some hits and some misses. I found this fantastic theme at bloggerthemes.net and I was so excited to get it. But unfortunately I am running into issues with one part of it.

These beautiful swirly designs to the left of the posts are very happy to my right brain, but frustrating to the left. They have a pesky imperfection that I can't figure out how to eliminate: the word "undefined" repeated twice in the middle of the design, the second painfully split and stacked "unde" on top of "fined."

I have gone all through the html trying to figure out how to take those words out. No luck. Obviously. It's such an irritant, because the rest of the blog theme is so perfect for my purposes I cannot stand to give it up and start the search for a new theme over again.

It bothers me when things are undefined. I like a simple plan. A + B = C. Problem solved. I am very solution oriented in the therapy sessions I conduct. Most of my clients like that. We all like knowing that we have something to do next.

But what about when the solution is undefined? When you are utterly helpless to take the next step? People come into counseling usually because they don't know what else to do. They've tried everything they know and would like someone else to take a fresh look at it. But what if I can't "solve" it for them?

What happens when you can't immediately skip through a problem to a solution? What about when you have to sit with it, like a child painfully twisting their napkin in their lap? Staring at the hated brussel sprouts. Hoping to outlast mom's ordinance against leaving the table before they are done.

I do believe most of the time that there is a way to be proactive against the things you want to change in your life. But some things aren't that clear-cut. There is no right way to deal with grief, for example. You can't put it in a flowchart and coast down the river to relief. You have to let it be undefined. Release control, sit with it, and make your peace with it. Usually that is when the solution comes to you.

I don't know the next step to take clearing the undefinition from my theme, but I do believe there is a point at which it will be solved. I will discover how to change it, or make my peace with it the way it is. Maybe that's why it's there. To remind me.

You can't solve everything. But everything comes to a resolution, one way or another.

'Til Next Session,
Stephanie Ann Adams

Undefined definition from http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=undefined

Bipolar Disorder is the New ADHD

Everyone's bipolar. 


Bet you didn't think that was possible, did you? Well, apparently it is. Your mother, your cousin, your neighbor's dog-walker...they're all bipolar. For this disorder, apparently all you need to qualify is a magazine article that sounds vaguely like you or a friend, and voila! There it is. No professional intervention required. The aunt of a client called to talk at me over the phone the other day. (While I can't acknowledge that certain people are or are not a client of mine, their relatives often feel comfortable calling and telling me in detail what is wrong with that person anyway.) Her words were, " And I know she is bipolar because I saw Dr. Phil talking about it the other day and she has what he says." 


Sometimes I hate Dr. Phil.


The thing is, most people don't understand what bipolar disorder is before they start labeling their relatives or diagnosing themselves. It is not when someone hates you one day and loves you the next. (That's closer to borderline personality disorder, another over-diagnosed problem.) It is not always when someone's mood changes rapidly. That's only part of it. 


For Bipolar I Disorder (This is straight from the DSM-IV, as of now the most current diagnostic bible for medical and mental health professionals) an individual MUST have had at least one Manic Episode to qualify for diagnosis. 


A Manic Episode is NOT being high on a drug or substance. It is not simply feeling excited or over-the-top. It is "sufficiently severe to cause marked impairment in occupational functioning...[social & relational]...or to necessitate hospitalization to prevent harm to self or others..." A manic state is so debilitating a person cannot participate in normal life. This is serious stuff.


At least three and sometimes four of the following have to be existing FOR AT LEAST A WEEK to qualify for a manic episode:


(1) "inflated self-esteem or grandiosity"
(2) need less sleep - i.e. 3 hours is suddenly enough
(3) "more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking"
(4) thoughts running away with you to the point it cannot be controlled
(5) ADHD-like distractability
(6) "increase in goal-directed activity", for example deciding instantaneously to start a new business, stay up for three days to study for a test, etc., or "psychomotor agitation" Twitch, twitch, twitch...
(7) Risk-taking behavior like extreme promiscuity, high-stakes gambling, high-dollar shopping sprees, death-defying activities. 


There's more to the qualifications for this diagnosis but I believe this is the part that's most frequently misunderstood. There are not many people that have true Manic Episodes, therefore, not that many people have Bipolar I Disorder. Bipolar II Disorder includes Hypomanic (must only last for four days) and Mixed Episodes (one Manic Episode + One Major Depressive Episode), both also unlikely to be found in the majority of the population. 


True Bipolar Disorder is a serious diagnosis - it's not something you want to have for kicks! Misdiagnosis leads to the same problems as existed in the last "it" diagnosis: ADHD. Over-medication, ineffective treatment (it won't work if you don't actually have the disorder) and labels. So please think about it before diagnosing your friends and family, or especially yourself! 


Even if you see it on Dr. Phil. :) 


'Til Next Session,
Stephanie Ann Adams

How Not to Do Therapy

This is hysterical, but probably not what you want to happen in a therapist's office. Just FYI.




I smell a series...look for further posts on How Not to Do Therapy in the future. Send in your suggestions and you might see it here!

As always, let me know what you think!

'Til next session,
Stephanie Ann Adams

Why Sassy N Sane?

Why Sassy N Sane?: I was speaking with a client the other day who had attempted suicide three times. It was our first meeting, and he asked me, “How do I stop trying to kill myself?” It struck me as a rather difficult question. As everyone knows, it is extremely hard to simply “not” do something. Ask any dieter – how hard was it to avoid the cake at the office party? A lot of people dealing with emotional challenges are told to just “stop” doing something. Stop feeling depressed. Stop feeling anxious. Stop worrying. Stop crying. Quit it.

Okay, go ahead. You try. Just stop it. Whatever’s bothering you, just stop it.

  How’d that work out for you?

It’s very difficult to just turn off a challenge you’ve been dealing with for a large part of your life. It’s easy to start to think, “What’s the point, anyway?” By the time most people, like my client above, seek help, they’ve become entrenched in a way of life that has taken them over. They don’t know anything but sadness, disappointment and pain. Why would anyone want to stay in a world like that? What’s the point in living if you don’t have anything to live for?

The purpose of this blog is to help people find ways to not only get through the bad things in life, but find the fun in it! The sum total of your life is not just your problems! Each of us has skills, talents, interests and purposes that are unique. There is a life out there that waits for us, a deeply satisfying life, a life fully lived. You were not put on this earth simply to be in pain. You have something to contribute. You have meaning.

My best friend, dictionary.com, defines sassy as “lively and spirited”. This is what I want to encourage throughout this blog. Find your liveliness, and you find your sanity.

'Til next session,

Stephanie Ann Adams

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