Don't Be Cruel

It has come to my attention recently that the cruelest thing one person can do to another in a fight isn’t harsh words, and in some cases isn’t even angry blows. The cruelest thing is nothing.

I have a client that was blacklisted at work for a customer complaint, without sufficient reason, as she had a reasonable defense for her actions and was willing to admit and make amends for her (small) mistakes. But she wasn’t allowed to talk to the customer, which might have ended this whole thing rather quickly. And she wasn’t allowed to finish out the day after she had been told of the issue, several weeks after it had occurred. She was intimidated to the point she felt attacked, and went home. And then never given a chance to state her case. She had decades of experience in her field, and taught and mentored others. But she was written off and thrown away. She came to see me, four months after the incident, still wrestling with humiliation, low self-esteem, fear of losing her license to work, and a negative attitude towards people around her. Now she saw others with suspicion, because she had been turned on by someone she expected to treat her with a level of respect. And it struck me that she would not have needed my help if those at her place of business had simply sat down with her and tried to work through the problem together.

Denying someone the chance to work through an accusation is a cruel thing because it denies someone closure to the issue. It remains open in the person’s mind, for them to turn over, gnaw at, and worry about endlessly. It makes them doubt themselves, and question their past. Was I wrong? Am I crazy to think this way? They ask this question of countless others, who may grow tired of the incessant repetition. But the person can’t help it. Denied an answer from the person or group they need answers from, they are driven to find it another way, to try to make some sense so they can finally put this mess behind them.

It’s a cowardly power play on the part of the person who refuses to engage, because if a person makes a fuss over someone’s actions and slams the door on a reply, they get to look like the injured party and tell their side of the story without balance. They don’t have to admit fault. But in what fight is one party ever completely without fault?

I had this done to me more than once. I had nightmares about the incident for months afterwards. As a therapist, I couldn’t believe I couldn’t get over this. I believe in the power of the mind to sort through problems. Why couldn’t I put this behind me as a lost cause?

The only thing that eventually cured my nightmares was realizing that no matter what, I did not want to go back to a relationship that was going to operate that way. Even if I got a chance to resolve the issue, I didn’t want to put myself in a situation to be hurt again. That, and only that, allowed me to let it go.

So think about this the next time you are involved in an argument. To cut a person off is one of the most cruel things you can do to another person. I hope this isn’t anyone’s goal. If you’re a victim of this circumstance, think about this: do you really want to resolve something with a person who could be so cruel? 

What People Need to Hear

        “You’re not crazy.” “You make sense.” “What you’re feeling has a reason.” People look at me in amazement when I say things like this to them in my counseling office. My only conclusion can be that it isn’t something they hear very often. I can understand that, too. Before my counseling training, there were a lot of things done by people in my life that I thought were crazy too. But what I learned in counseling is that there’s always a reason for behaviors. People don’t just do things randomly. (See earlier article: Dysfunction = Function Trying to Happen).

            Now that I know this, I think it’s important to validate it. Yes, of course you’re depressed. Your spouse just died. (What? I have a right to my feelings?) I can understand you’re stressed by the demands of your full-ride college scholarship. You don’t want to let anyone down. (I’m allowed to be stressed even if something good happened?) I know some people are starving and you’re not, but it’s okay that you are not happy about losing your job, either. (I can feel pain even if I have it better than somebody else?)

            At some point people do have work through their feelings and move forward with doing something about it. But that CANNOT happen if they aren’t allowed to feel them first. I’ve never, ever seen that happen. When people strangle feelings, they just show up later, when a person thinks they’re over it and those around them are even less interested in hearing about the things they haven’t gotten over.

            You can do something about this. The next time someone around you seems to be acting nuts, think about what’s driving it. Ask them about their feelings, and then understand them. Even if you disagree with a person’s actions (and believe me, I’ve been there), you can ALWAYS understand their feelings. We all have feelings. A person’s anger/fear/sadness/loneliness may be for another reason, but you and I have also felt anger/fear/sadness/loneliness too.

            Put this in your vocabulary.

            “I see what you mean.”

            “I get that.”

           

            “That makes sense.”

            “I understand.”

            Don’t rely on my word for it. Try it out, and see what a difference it makes. When you have, come back and comment here. I’d love to hear from you.

            ‘Til Next Session,

            Stephanie Ann Adams

Using Pop Culture To Connect With Others

        Four kids, two boys and two girls, all aged 7-8, circled my office floor. Two of them had already gotten in a fight over today’s activity, which was using a puppet to tell another puppet about a time their feelings were hurt. “The other day when Arlene pushed me in line…” began one, a moment ago. Arlene, who is sitting next to him, begins to pout. “No, no.” I interject. “We’re not using this time to tell on other people.” Manny, the first kid who started the story, gets frustrated, but moves forward. “Wait a minute,” I have to step in again. “We’re talking about feelings getting hurt today. Remember, feelings are happy, sad, angry….Your story about falling off your bike is a really interesting story, but it’s not really about feelings, is it?”

            I was not getting through to them. And they were starting to revolt.

            Talking to kids is really difficult. Talking to a group of kids is even more so. But the one thing I’ve found that really gets through to kids, something I’ve found to be relevant since my days as a nanny, is knowing what their pop culture is. VeggieTales? Seen ‘em all. Hannah Montana? She has the best of both worlds. Even though they liked the puppets, my kids were losing interest. They’d drifted to a more important discussion than feelings: the movie How To Train Your Dragon.

            How To Train Your Dragon, if you haven’t seen it, is kind of an awesome movie. And thank goodness my husband and I, although childless, watched it just a few weeks ago. Based on the recommendation of my husband’s three-year-old second cousin, we were pretty sure it was a good bet. So we Netflixed it. And now I had something to talk about.

            “Hey guys, do you remember what it was like for Hiccup on How To Train Your Dragon?” Three of the four pairs of eyes trained on me. (You can’t win them all.) I was speaking their language.

            “Remember how everyone in his village fought dragons, and he was the only one who couldn’t do it? And everybody else laughed at him?”

            They agreed, with re-enactments of key scenes of rejection at the beginning of the movie.

            “I bet that really hurt his feelings, huh?”

            There wasn’t an a-ha moment, per say. But they were engaged, and something was happening. It might have been just a minute, but they got it.

            If you’ve shared an experience with someone, you are now identifiable. You are safer, more known. You have a common history, no matter how small. You are a person that gets something that they get. It brings you forward a dozen steps in the process of connection with another person. And once you get there, you’re able to do something about it. Talk to your teenage son. Intervene in a crisis situation.

            So whether you’re a counselor trying to reach a client, or at a party and looking for a way to make a friend, think about throwing this kind of thing out there, and seeing what happened. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

            'Til Next Session.
            Stephanie Ann Adams