What People Need to Hear

        “You’re not crazy.” “You make sense.” “What you’re feeling has a reason.” People look at me in amazement when I say things like this to them in my counseling office. My only conclusion can be that it isn’t something they hear very often. I can understand that, too. Before my counseling training, there were a lot of things done by people in my life that I thought were crazy too. But what I learned in counseling is that there’s always a reason for behaviors. People don’t just do things randomly. (See earlier article: Dysfunction = Function Trying to Happen).

            Now that I know this, I think it’s important to validate it. Yes, of course you’re depressed. Your spouse just died. (What? I have a right to my feelings?) I can understand you’re stressed by the demands of your full-ride college scholarship. You don’t want to let anyone down. (I’m allowed to be stressed even if something good happened?) I know some people are starving and you’re not, but it’s okay that you are not happy about losing your job, either. (I can feel pain even if I have it better than somebody else?)

            At some point people do have work through their feelings and move forward with doing something about it. But that CANNOT happen if they aren’t allowed to feel them first. I’ve never, ever seen that happen. When people strangle feelings, they just show up later, when a person thinks they’re over it and those around them are even less interested in hearing about the things they haven’t gotten over.

            You can do something about this. The next time someone around you seems to be acting nuts, think about what’s driving it. Ask them about their feelings, and then understand them. Even if you disagree with a person’s actions (and believe me, I’ve been there), you can ALWAYS understand their feelings. We all have feelings. A person’s anger/fear/sadness/loneliness may be for another reason, but you and I have also felt anger/fear/sadness/loneliness too.

            Put this in your vocabulary.

            “I see what you mean.”

            “I get that.”

           

            “That makes sense.”

            “I understand.”

            Don’t rely on my word for it. Try it out, and see what a difference it makes. When you have, come back and comment here. I’d love to hear from you.

            ‘Til Next Session,

            Stephanie Ann Adams