Don't Be Cruel

It has come to my attention recently that the cruelest thing one person can do to another in a fight isn’t harsh words, and in some cases isn’t even angry blows. The cruelest thing is nothing.

I have a client that was blacklisted at work for a customer complaint, without sufficient reason, as she had a reasonable defense for her actions and was willing to admit and make amends for her (small) mistakes. But she wasn’t allowed to talk to the customer, which might have ended this whole thing rather quickly. And she wasn’t allowed to finish out the day after she had been told of the issue, several weeks after it had occurred. She was intimidated to the point she felt attacked, and went home. And then never given a chance to state her case. She had decades of experience in her field, and taught and mentored others. But she was written off and thrown away. She came to see me, four months after the incident, still wrestling with humiliation, low self-esteem, fear of losing her license to work, and a negative attitude towards people around her. Now she saw others with suspicion, because she had been turned on by someone she expected to treat her with a level of respect. And it struck me that she would not have needed my help if those at her place of business had simply sat down with her and tried to work through the problem together.

Denying someone the chance to work through an accusation is a cruel thing because it denies someone closure to the issue. It remains open in the person’s mind, for them to turn over, gnaw at, and worry about endlessly. It makes them doubt themselves, and question their past. Was I wrong? Am I crazy to think this way? They ask this question of countless others, who may grow tired of the incessant repetition. But the person can’t help it. Denied an answer from the person or group they need answers from, they are driven to find it another way, to try to make some sense so they can finally put this mess behind them.

It’s a cowardly power play on the part of the person who refuses to engage, because if a person makes a fuss over someone’s actions and slams the door on a reply, they get to look like the injured party and tell their side of the story without balance. They don’t have to admit fault. But in what fight is one party ever completely without fault?

I had this done to me more than once. I had nightmares about the incident for months afterwards. As a therapist, I couldn’t believe I couldn’t get over this. I believe in the power of the mind to sort through problems. Why couldn’t I put this behind me as a lost cause?

The only thing that eventually cured my nightmares was realizing that no matter what, I did not want to go back to a relationship that was going to operate that way. Even if I got a chance to resolve the issue, I didn’t want to put myself in a situation to be hurt again. That, and only that, allowed me to let it go.

So think about this the next time you are involved in an argument. To cut a person off is one of the most cruel things you can do to another person. I hope this isn’t anyone’s goal. If you’re a victim of this circumstance, think about this: do you really want to resolve something with a person who could be so cruel?